Many believe intimacy equals sex. While sex plays an important role, true intimacy in relationships involves much more. Dick Purnell describes intimacy in an article entitled "Sex and the Search for Intimacy" he wrote for Everystudent.com (April, 2010). "Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that," says Purnell. "It includes all the different dimensions of our lives – yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing."
Intimacy in Relationships – How it All Begins
When a couple meets, they are typically drawn to each other by physical and/or emotional attraction. The intimacy is not achieved overnight. Ideally, as the relationship gets off the ground, the couple embarks on a journey of mutual discovery. They learn about each other's true self, inside and out.
And at some point sex is introduced into the relationship. And while not the sole player in an intimate relationship, as discussed above, it is an important contributor. When intimacy is finally achieved, the couple has a deep, multi-faceted understanding of one another. They become connected on a physical and emotional level. And from this, love is born.
What Happens When the Intimacy is Gone
After years of marriage and mounting life pressures, maintaining the intimacy can be difficult. Conversations tend to revolve around work or the kids, and sex falls to the bottom of the priority list. And before they know it, the couple finds themselves in a marriage with little to no intimate connection, leaving a significant gap in the relationship.
With this, the marriage becomes open to infidelity. And many times, the couple is unaware of this vulnerability in the relationship. According to Dr. Williard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers in their book, Surviving an Affair (Flemming H. Revel, 2005), “[Most unfaithful spouses] did not know what they were missing until the affair revealed it to them. What had been missing in his or her life is found, and it’s a wonderful relief.”
By the time one or both spouses find themselves in the throws of an affair, repairing the holes in the marriage becomes much more complicated – not impossible, but significantly more difficult, nonetheless.
Restoring Intimacy: A Marriage Rebuilt
By identifying intimacy issues in the marriage early, and taking a few steps to restoring it, a couple can minimize the risk of marital infidelity:
- Talk about the gap in the marriage: Both partners must first acknowledge lack of intimacy in the relationship. This important step is absolutely necessary in order to explore how the marriage got to that point.
- Commit to spending time together: In order to rediscover the connection, the couple must then take time out for each other. According to Drs. Chalmers and Harley, "When [couples] spend time together, they learn to recreate the experiences that first met each other's emotional needs."
- Rekindle the sex: As the couple works on getting to know each other again, they will feel more comfortable approaching their sexual relationship. Reigniting the spark of their sex life will only bring them closer. In her book, The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster, 2005), Michele Weiner-Davis explains, “It’s hard to feel distant when you’re touching and caressing your life partner.”
An intimate marriage is a healthy marriage. Just as the intimacy can seemingly disappear in the blink of an eye, it can also be rebuilt with some focus and a few simple steps.
More Information
Marriage and Sex - Bridging the Gap for a Healthy Marriage
Marriage and Infidelity - How to Cope
Tips for Marriage - Keeping the Love Alive
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Stephanie Young - I am a freelance writer with 15+ years of communications experience. I am also the mother of two who, like most people, has lived through ...
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