There's a saying – "once you get married, sex comes to an end." While that statement may be a bit of exaggeration, there is a reason why married sex is butt of many jokes.
The Male and Female Sex Drive – Some Important Differences
According to Michele Weiner-Davis in her book The Sex-Starved Marriage (Simon & Schuster, 2003), “Sex experts estimate that one out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire; one spouse is hot when the other is not.“ So, why is this?
For starters, men and women tend to have very different perceptions of sex. While men don't actually think about sex every seven seconds, as many believe, studies show that they do think about it more often than women. According to Laumann, E., Gagnon, J.H., Michael, R.T., and Michaels, S. in their book, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States (University of Chicago Press, 1994), the majority of men think about sex every day or several times a day, whereas the majority of women think about sex only a few times per month or a few times per week.
Men and women are created differently. When it comes to getting in the mood, men tend to be susceptible to more immediate sexual stimuli, including touch, smell, sight, thought or fantasy. Women, on the other hand, often rely on an emotional connection and environmental factors to become aroused. So, oftentimes, a man can be ready to go within seconds, while it may take a woman several minutes or longer.
Adding to this complexity, a woman's sex drive is largely based on her monthly hormonal changes. "There are natural, biological reasons for the ups and downs---the fluctuation---of sexual desire in women," says Diana Hoppe, MD., in her book, Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You (Health Reflections Press, 2010). She explains, "[Mother Nature] encourages increased sex drive at certain key times that are beneficial to our species from a biological and evolutionary standpoint."
Married Sex and the Rut
In addition to the physiological differences between men and women, the external environment can also play a significant role a couple’s diminishing sex life. Between the kids, work, chores, and other priorities of everyday life, it becomes harder and harder for a couple to find the time – or the desire – for physical intimacy.
One partner may view sex as a priority while the other sees it merely as a nice-to-have, or even a chore. To one, the lack of sex becomes a significant void, while to the other it may be no big deal. And the lack of communication on the subject only perpetuates the problem.
Sex and Intimacy – Why is it important in Marriage?
If not resolved, the lack of sex can turn into a long-term marital problem. "When this disconnect happens," says Weiner-Davis during a 2004 live WebMD discussion, "intimacy on all levels begins to drop out. They stop having meaningful conversations. They stop sitting next to each other on the couch, laughing at each other's jokes, spending time together. In short, they stop being friends." And with this, the marriage becomes open to infidelity.
Sex serves its own very important purpose in a marriage. This physical bond is a way of celebrating intimacy between two people. Studies show that couples who are having sex are happier than those who are not. Denise A. Donnelley, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University who has studied sexless marriage says, “Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.”
Getting in the Mood When a Partner is Not in the Mood
Though it may not be what it once was, sex can become fun again. But it may take a little effort. "Have sex – even when you don't want to,” says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago and author of The Passion Prescription (Hyperion, 2007). Berman adds, “Many times, arousal comes before desire. Once you get going, you'll probably find yourself enjoying it. And the more you experience sex, the more your body will condition itself to want it."
Maintaining an active and fulfilling sex life in a marriage may not always be easy, but it can and should be done. By understanding that sex is a necessary ingredient in a healthy marriage and committing to making it a priority, a couple can set the wheels in motion to a better sex life. A better sex life in marriage means a better marriage.
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Resources:
Laumann, E., Gagnon, J.H., Michael, R.T., and Michaels, S. The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994.
Hoppe, Diana, MD., Healthy Sex Drive, Healthy You. Health Reflections Press, 2010.
Parker Pope, Tara. "When Sex Leaves the Marriage." The New York Times, June 3, 2009.
Weiner-Davis, Michele. The Sex Starved Marriage. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2003.
Weiner-Davis, Michele. "The Sex Starved Marriage – Michele Weiner-Davis – 02/04/03" onmedicineNet.com. Retrieved April 19, 2010.
Stephanie Young - I am a freelance writer with 15+ years of communications experience. I am also the mother of two who, like most people, has lived through ...
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