“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” These are the dreaded words that all too many spouses hear from their partner at one time or another. But what is the real meaning behind those words?
The answer to this question can be found by exploring the progression of love in a relationship – more specifically, infatuation vs. love.
Early Relationship Infatuation
When a couple first falls in love, they experience the intense euphoric feelings of emotional and physical attraction – of infatuation. And infatuation, while it feels good at the time, can be a dangerous emotion. It often sets unrealistic expectations for a couple of what their love will offer them, leading to disappointment down the road.
Experts believe that the infatuation stage of a relationship actually produces a chemical reaction in the brain. Specifically, infatuation has been linked to a surge in dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps control the pleasure/reward portion of a person's brain.
"When I first started looking at the properties of infatuation,” says Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D, “they had some of the same elements of a cocaine high: sleeplessness, loss of a sense of time, absolute focus on love to the detriment of all around you. People walk out of marriages, abandon children. Infatuation can overtake the rational parts of your brain." Fisher was quoted in the September 1, 1997 article "The Plunge of Pleasure" by Deborah Blum on psychologytoday.com.
Much like that of a drug addiction, these changes in the brain cause a person to keep coming back for more. Herein lies the power, and the danger, of being “in love.”
Mature Love in an Evolving Relationship
Inevitably, the thrill and excitement of new love eventually dies down. And beneath the infatuation is a more mature love – one that is designed to stand the test of time.
This is the love that embraces the bad times and celebrates the good. It accepts the flaws and cherishes the perfections. It fosters an environment of attachment and safety. This is the love that sees couples through jobs, kids, mortgage payments, illness, and everything else that life has in store. It is not always exhilarating and fun like the carefree nature of new love, but it has much more to offer.
Maintaining Love is Work
Back to the question at hand: What does it mean when someone says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you?” It most likely means that person is feeling the absence of the infatuation. S/he is remembering what it once felt like to be in love, when things were easy and fun. What this person likely doesn’t understand is the natural progression of romantic love and the conscious effort required to maintain it.
During the course of a long-term relationship, the warts start to show. The stresses and responsibilities of everyday life can take a toll on a marriage. Many unknowingly move their marriage down on the priority list in order to make room for the more pressing tasks at hand.
When the marriage is neglected, the love is seemingly gone. But all is not lost. “Don't let anyone tell you that the feeling of love is unobtainable or unsustainable,” says Jennifer H. Chalmers, Ph. D in her article, "Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy?" on marriagebuilder.com. She continues, “It can be created even after years of neglect. It is an achievable goal.”
Successful couples understand that their relationship will hit highs and lows. They have realistic expectations of what their love has to offer. They recognize that maintaining that loving feeling is a choice – one that they must make each and every day.
Many marriages fail because they expect their love to come as easily as it did in the early stages. But mature love ebbs and flows; it requires work and commitment. If properly understood and nourished, this love will sustain over the long haul. Infatuation is fleeting. Love is enduring.
More Information:
Tips for Marriage – Keeping the Love Alive
Restoring Intimacy in Marriage
Marriage and Infidelity – How to Cope
Marriage and Sex – Bridging the Gap for a Healthy Relationship
Resources:
Blum, Deborah. “The Plunge of Pleasure," on psychologytoday.com (accessed May 6, 2010).
Chalmers, Jennifer H., Ph.D. “Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal for Marriage Therapy,” on marriagebuilders.com (accessed May 3, 2010).
Stephanie Young - I am a freelance writer with 15+ years of communications experience. I am also the mother of two who, like most people, has lived through ...
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