According to Charles Darwin in The Origin of Species, “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” What he is referring to is what it is now known as Emotional Intelligence. While the idea has been around for more than 100 years, the coined term has only been in play for the past few decades, made popular by John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey in their influential 1990 article "Emotional intelligence" in Imagination, Cognition and Personality.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Mayer and Salovey define emotional intelligence as, “the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions.”
Emotionally intelligent people, according to Mayer, possess the following characteristics:
- Better at perceiving, using, understanding and managing emotions
- Generally more agreeable and open
- Less likely to engage in risky behaviors
- More likely to have positive social experiences
Emotionally Intelligent Parenting
Parents are often so concerned with raising children who excel academically that they often overlook their emotional development. But studies show that emotionally intelligent children fare better academically and socially than those who are not in touch with their emotions.
John Gottman, Ph. D and author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Simon & Schuster, 1998), and the research teams at the University of Illinois and the University of Washington conducted two studies of 119 families whereby they observed how parents and children reacted during emotionally charged situations. The research revealed that parents tend to fall into two categories: those who provide their children with emotional guidance, which Gottman refers to as Emotion Coaches, and those who do not.
Based on this study, Gottman says, “children whose parents consistently practice Emotion Coaching have better physical health and score higher academically than children whose parents don't offer such guidance.” He adds, “These kids get along better with friends, have fewer behavior problems, and are less prone to acts of violence.”
Gottman suggests the following five steps for developing emotional intelligence in children:
- Become aware of the child's emotion;
- Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
- Listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings;
- Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and
- Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.
Above all else, parents need to model emotional intelligence for their children. For a parent, this means exposing his/her children to the difficult emotions he/she experiences, rather than shielding them from it. While this may seem counter-intuitive, letting children see how their parents deal with these emotions can be a wonderful emotional learning opportunity for the child.
An emotionally intelligent child is able to understand, express and label his or her emotions. With this, he or she is better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of life.
Resources:
Darwin, Charles. Origin of Species. Signet Classics. Rep Anv edition September 2, 2003.
Gottman, John D. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1998.
Mayer, John D., and Salovey, Peter. "Emotional intelligence," Imagination, Cognition and Personality, Vol. 9 No.3, pp. (1990): 185-211.
Stephanie Young - I am a freelance writer with 15+ years of communications experience. I am also the mother of two who, like most people, has lived through ...
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